Honor
by Tatter Hood
Summary: Not to sure if this deserves an R rating or not. A dark fic dealing with Viole. Very short. Sorry. Please R&R.


Wrote this in school the day before March break. ^^ yeyness... This is another POV fic. I might end up writing a few different parts to this.. but when I write parts, I usually get bored with them, so chances are that this will just end up being a one-shot. One-shots are nice and fun. Yes, another thing, I get distracted easily, and there were a lot of things going on around me, so if you notice so things that look out of place.. just, forget about them.

Disclaimer: *snaps fingers* dang it, I didn't create Escaflowne. None of this (except the plot of this fic) is mine. So, don't bother to sue me, unless you really feel the need of owning an oversized yellow rubber band.

Dumdedumdedum... Can you guess who I'm talking about here?? Yep yep, it Viole. Isn't he so girlish.. the worst of the Dragonslayers I find..... so just read and find out what think about *his* girlyness. Note: Has anyone else noticed that Viole's name spells out the first letters of Violence?? *sweatdrop* I noticed it when I was doing a Family Violence project. Blup blup.. Its shooooort, because I'm in school, AND, it's what Viole would write in *his* journal. I might end up making this longer at a later time.

Warnings: Blah blah blah.... vulgar language is about it I suppose. No yaoi, yuri or that what not. Bit of Dill bashing... sorry to all Dilly fans. It's a rather dark fic as well. Deals with depression, and suicide. There are my warnings.

*

Honor

They'll never know my pain. They'll never know my hurt. They'll never know what it's like to be me. A girl in boys clothing. Puts a new spin on 'sheep in wolfs clothing', doesn't it? Oh gods, does it ever hurt to be me right now. I wish I could tell someone my dirty little secret... but I can't. If anyone ever found out I was really a girl I'd be kicked out of the Dragonslayers army. Then I'd have no where to go. What would I do? Well, I'm a strong girl. I can fend for myself. 

No I can't. I can't even put up with the pain my secret inflicts on me. What would I do living out in Gaea all alone. No one to help me along. At least in the Dragonslayers, I have Master Dilandau to aid me when I'm ill. When I'm out on my own, who will aid me when I'm ill? The spirits of Gaea? Gods, that's a laugh. No such things.

I'm such a damn fool. Why did I have to prove my self? Why'd I have to prove that the women race was just as good as any old male? Stupidstupidstupidstupid. Oh Gods, I never thought that I'd be excepted into the Dragonslayers though. Not in my wildest dreams. Never. 

I look back on my plan now, and realize how stupid it was. Disguise myself as a guy, then when, and if, I get into the Dragonslayers, reveal I'm really a girl. Stupid Viole. STUPID. Well, I didn't know that my master would Dilandau. Anyone but Dilandau wouldn't really care that a girl was in his army. Gods, I hate that prick. He thinks women are so inferior to him. He thinks everyone is inferior to *him* though. What an ass. Why the fuck does he have the right to hit us? I swear to the Gods, someday I'll work up the courage to smack him back. That's if he doesn't kill me first. If he ever found out I was a girl, he'd un-leash his flames on me. What a fool. 

Gods, I remember my first day here on the Vione. I had to make up half of my history. I told half a lie. So now, everyone believes I'm a guy whose family is dead, and the only reason I am here is because I'm a good fighter. Well, most of that is a lie. The only true thing is that my family is dead. I can't believe how they died, either. Attacked by street robbers in the alleyway. My only family, mother and father died by being attacked by street robbers. Pathetic. I guess that one reason I started to train at being a fighter. So I could defend myself. What good that did, I won't even harm someone unless they chop off my arm. I'm such a passives. I guess I fit under what Dilandau thinks of women. 

Another thing I hate about not being able to tell anyone my secret, are all the guys. I can fall madly in love with one of these beautiful Dragonslayers, but what good would *that* do? I can't make a pass on them because they think I'm a boy. Gods, they are all so beautiful. I wish I could bed them all. All except Lord Dilandau. I hate him with a burning passion. He is quite beautiful, almost too beautiful. He reminds me of myself. He looks almost like a girl. I still hate him though. 

Ah, Miguel. My most favorite of all Dragonslayers. The most handsome of them all. I want just one night with him alone. One night and I'd be content. But, to spend a night with him the way I want to, he'd have to find out I'm a girl. No, that would never do. 

Gods, it hurts so much. I just want this pain to go away. I know how I could end my pain forever, but it's wimp's way out. I'm not a wimp. Far from it. Aren't I? Or am I just as much of a wimp because I won't kill myself? There's my sword... all I have to do is get up from my bed, unsheathe it and run it across my wrists. It wouldn't hurt to much.. would it? The pain would be but a flash. That's what I've been told. I don't know though. Gods, I don't even want to be here anymore. 

I'm the only slayer with a past as horrendous as mine. Everyone else came from happy families. The worst part of their life was leaving their home to come here. They never had to put up with the pain of loosing their loved ones to damn street robbers, disguising themselves for half their lives, loving someone, and not being able to express your feeling for them. I have to keep to myself all my life. I can't tell anyone anything. Gods, how do I hate it. 

That sword beckons me. I can't stop looking at it. It wouldn't be a wimp's way out. No, I don't think that anymore. I'd be a wimp if I didn't do it. Gods, I have to do it now. I will do it. Good bye sweet Dragonslayers, I love you all as brothers and more. I hate you Dilandau. I wish you'd burn in the deepest, hottest pits of hell. Good bye Gaea.

Viole

Soooooo, what cha think??? Sorry its short, but, my attention is everywhere but this fic right now.... I'll write a longer one later, and possible add some yaoi or yuri....


End file.
